things that irritate me and john from expenses

Jeans and black shoes. They don't go. They never will.

I'm just telling you before someone important notices you've made such a disastrous sartorial decision.

Tweets about iPods on shuffle. We've all done it. But let's all agree that enough's enough.

I'm not interested in reading about the curious juxtaposition of the Spice Girls and Led Zeppelin that your iPod created.

Also, it's pronounced 'ask' not 'aks'.

Someone is sat in my usual seat on the train this morning. He is wearing a black leather coat, complete with hood.

I'm not one to intimidate the urban grim reaper with one raised eyebrow and huffing. I'll sit elsewhere.

Jewfro on board. Want to take a picture. Can't.

He's like the semitic Phil Spector.

One of the things I've found the most odd about getting the train is that people do things that would be completely unacceptable elsewhere.

Like staring.

Why are you staring at me like that, peculiar man?

And when someone tries to sit next to you but accidentally ends up on you and then doesn't apologise. Odd.

I apologise if I walk into a lampost, for goodness sake.


I admit I've been doing this for long enough to be part of the furniture but please don't treat me like an arm chair.

A man with an incredible head of hair has sat NEXT to me. John. He's like a silver fox.

Stop staring at me, strange man three seats away.

He does contract work at local authorities.

Divorced.

Young lover.

I'm looking over his shoulder at his notebook. He works in expenses. He had a meeting about the corporate gift policy.

Is it unethical that I am reading highly confidential information over his shoulder?

I fell in love with the man who works in expenses with the grey hair.

I've got a bit of a thing for handsome men who work in expenses, apparently